We Have Snacks At Home

The Art of the Spread

I went about 10 years where I stayed in and entertained at home, maybe 12 times cumulatively. Part of that was where I was with stand-up at the time, needing to be out every single night all night. Part of that was that I lived in a variety of not so easy to entertain in apartments, including a studio I loved with really high ceilings that my dad realized would have more square footage for me if it was turned on its side.

That all changed in March of 2020 when we all stayed in. For a long time no one came in my home. But eventually, as things became whatever they are now, I spent way more nights in at home. As someone who went from 0 to 60 in terms of never being at home vs. living for entertaining in my apartment, I think I’ve learned some real tricks to hosting. It’s about snacks.

I’m not pretending to know about a lost domestic art just because I had a friend over once. I’m not RHONY cast member Erin Lichy writing a cookbook even though she’s most known for not serving food at her Hamptons house. I just think I’m...good at snacks? I’m not good at a ton of things, but I know what I am good at: comedy, walking fast through the airport, swimming, and snacks. I know my way around setting out a nice spread. I’ve famously done a 15 person party in my one bedroom apartment complete with an engraved two slope ice luge that says “Happy Hanukkah.” But I’m talking about the more low key nights in. When you have one or two friends over, or even when you’re just alone with your television and your drawer full of weed. Here are the keys to a Leiby snack spread night in.

Some recent snack spreads Chez Leiby (and Rizz)

BOWLS
Small bowls are the name of the game. I am incredibly lucky on many fronts in terms of dishes. For starters, my mother and my aunt have been decades long collectors of Russel Wright. They spent years running all over antique malls and eventually staying up all night on eBay to acquire what can only be described as insane collections of mid century modern plates. I think my mom had 80 plates at one point. I’m not sure she knows 80 people. I’m not even sure she knows 40 people she would eat two courses with. Anyway, the line has incredible little salad and small serving bowls, of which they both had many. I’ve inherited a collection of my own thanks to some moves and kitchen downsizing from each of them. Also, I have a dishwasher. I’ll dirty up a dozen bowls and not think about it now. That wasn’t always the case.

Small bowls are key because then you can put out lots of little things. This isn’t about portion control, okay? This isn’t SkinnyTok. This is ThickStack. But I’m a variety eater (and host) so I want a variety of options in small bowls that can easily be refilled. Hit a thrift store or a clearance sale and get a bunch. Unlike wearing a jacket when it’s too warm, you won’t regret it.

CRUNCH (LIGHT)
I’m a texture eater, everyone knows this about me. And EVERYONE is ALWAYS talking about it. Maybe it’s ironic that super crunchy foods are my favorite thing because I have misophonia and hate the sound of anyone chewing. However, I love the sound of animals chewing. It’s complicated. Anyway, the perfect snack spread is about variety. I’d say that Crunch (light) is the appetizer of the spread. Light little bites of crunch get everyone comfortable exploring the landscape of bowls. Spicy Bjorn Quorn is my go-to in this category even though I’m not a bagged popcorn person in general. Other great possibilities here: wasabi peas (for sinus clearing), Garden Salsa Sun Chips (feels like you’re on Delta), and pistachios (built in activity).

CRUNCH (HEAVY)
Okay so you have your light crunch, time for crunch heavy. These are your work horse dry crunchies. These don’t have to stand alone, they could also be vehicles for some things below. Something like quicos (corn nuts) or asiago or parmesan cheese crisps can be lone wolves, snack mercenaries that don’t need any partners. Pita chips, potato chips, or heavy seed crackers are team players. They’re here to partner with a creamy so that you’re not left using your fingers to eat labneh dip.

Wet!!!!!! Crunch!!!!!!!

CRUNCH (WET)
Look, it’s time for wet crunch. This is fruits and vegetables. But not just any fruits and vegetables, and not just the expected ones. Sometimes, a giant tray of different crunchy crudite fits the bill because of what else is on the coffee table. When we think crudite we think carrots, cucumber, celery. And yes, they’re staples. But don’t ignore things like leaves of crispy little gem lettuce, radishes (greens attached for Instagramability), and snap peas.

This is also where you’ll think about your fruits, typically for snacking or as a spouse to cheese. Go for max crunch factor. No one wants a mushy anything. We’re talking slices of honey crisp apples. We’re talking grapes. And while we’re talking grapes (and I’m often found talking grapes), I need to explain my grape hierarchy. When I want a grape, I want super crunchy with a good balance of sweet and tart. The ranking goes: Good red grapes, good green grapes, bad green grapes, bad red grapes. Anything outside of those categories is purely grape by grape and cannot be categorized as cleanly.

Saving the best for last of the crunch (wet) category to talk about pickles. You can do whatever you want. I’m not your mom. But I will say, the best and ideal wet crunch is sliced up almost neon green half sour pickles that mostly feel like a cucumber waved at some brine.

CREAMY
You can’t have crunch and no cream, baby!!!! Okay I don’t know who I am anymore, it’s shitty weather outside and I haven’t talked to a person in a minute. Anyway, every snack spread needs something rich. We know the heavy hitters that show up on every boring ass “girls night” countertop: hummus, and then some kind of stupid board with a hard cheese and a soft cheese and someone touched all of it. I’m here to say, don’t be like my cat. Think OUTSIDE the box. (My cat always wants to be in a box). Make a calabrian tahini dip for your veggies and pita chips. Dress up some labneh with herbs and olive oil. Go back to basics with some Boursin like it’s college and you’re about to annihilate a box of Peter Vella Chablis. Put a block of cheese on its own small plate with a knife so everyone can come to it on their own, without the rigidity of board life.

SWEET
This isn’t a formal dinner, so I don’t like think about things in courses like a regular meal. You don’t have to save sweet stuff for after the savory. Keep things interesting and put a bowl of candy on the table with everything else. Peanut M&Ms basically split the difference. So do the cocoa dusted corn nuts. Candy isn’t just for Halloween, Easter, and the dark, you can mix it in on a good snack spread. Honestly, keep a bowl of candy out all the time. My grandmother always kept a bowl of chocolate covered raisins and a bowl of almonds out at all times. No one is mad at that!!!!!

WILD CARD
Every spread needs a wild card. Maybe a bowl of cut up watermelon. Maybe some crusty fancy bread for dipping and spreading. Maybe a bowl of ice adorned with shrimp cocktail. The world is your oyster. Hell, get some oysters.

Shrimp cocktail wild card before steak sandwich night!

The true key to my snack spread hosting lifestyle is that this is not the meal. It can be if you keep refilling all of the bowls and plates until you’re too full or drunk to keep eating. But to me, the beauty of this combo is it can be the precursor to then ordering a big classic pizza or getting some noodles and egg rolls delivered. When I treat myself to a solo snack spread, it usually acts as the waiting room for my gummy to kick in before I open a bottle of wine and start cooking a somewhat complicated meal to eat on the couch in luxury.

This isn’t some golden ticket to being the next Martha Stewart. I think first you have to understand what insider trading is and then you need to find the world’s best plastic surgeon. This is just a list of things I like to do for myself and my friends in the comfort of my own home. It’s so awful everywhere all the time right now. To go out and get apps and dinner and drinks and be able to linger costs hundreds of dollars now in a city like New York, and you’re not guaranteed to have hundreds of dollars worth of enjoyment. Hanging at home with a snack spread and some reliable take out on the way is a tiny way to have control over the little free time and money any of us have. You can curate your snack spread in all of your little bowls, put on an old season of Summer House, shake up some bright and spicy pepperoncini martinis and actually relax and enjoy hanging with a friend. Even if that friend is just your cat!

MORE STUFF! MORE STUFF!

I saw the movie Friendship this week with some pals and laughed really really hard at how weird and funny it is. If you like Tim Robinson, go see it in a theater while you can!

My wonderful and funny friend Emmy Blotnick is taping her new hour special at Union Hall Saturday 5/31. Two shows, two chances to see one of my favorite comics!

This week on Ruined we got another Rita rec, this time House on Haunted Hill.

On Welcome To Talk Town the crew welcomed Casey James Salengo to go deep on comedy and squash some non-existent beef.

Monday 5/19 come see me and Josh host Frankenstein’s Baby at Union Hall. We have a very special guest joining an already stacked line up.