Living in New York, the topic of bagels opens up a lot of questions. Is it worth waiting in line for Apollo Bagels? Probably not. Are Pop-Up Bagels good? No, I think they are just hot bread. Do other cities have bagels worth eating? Yeah, I’m sure a few. Is toasting a bagel sacrilegious? Depends on the circumstances.
One of the biggest questions is “What is your bagel order?”. This question is important when you’re hungover and clutching your phone on the couch with a friend who slept over and it’s important when you’re running for mayor of the five boroughs. It’s true, every election, candidates are judged on their policies, on their dedication to the city, and how they take their breakfast carbs.
New Yorkers of all types malign answers involving cinnamon raisin or scooping. The worst answer in recent history belongs to shitbag Andrew Cuomo and his “bacon, cheese, and egg on an english muffin.” GO TO JAIL. No one says it like that. It’s bacon, egg, and cheese. It has always been bacon, egg, and cheese. Except when it’s sausage. Or when it’s just egg and cheese. It’s not a bacon cheeseburger you absolute fuck face. Every single New Yorker knows that before they even take their first subway ride or see their first line of people waiting for something stupid.
Fuck Cuomo. Seriously, fuck that absolute racist, car-brained, grandma killing, taxpayer money embezzling, sexual harassing bag of shit. Don’t rank him. Don’t rank him at all. We’re all better off and safer if we pretend he doesn’t exist (and don’t cross against him at a red light, he doesn’t respect those any more than he does women).
But I do want to talk about bagels. I have a hot take. I have a take so hot it’s boiled and then baked and occasionally, in the right context, even toasted: bagels should be a night food.
Has everyone calmed down? Great. I need you to hear me out. I love a perfect NYC on the run breakfast. My go-to is not a bagel if I’m off to get things done during the day. It can’t be. I get an egg and cheese (ideally, pepper jack) on a roll, add bacon if this doubles as breakfast and lunch, the biggest black iced coffee they sell, and a seltzer or orange juice on the side if I’m nursing a hangover (usually, yes). That’s a meal that will get me out in the city, crushing podcasts, catching subways, doing whatever it is the hell I do all day when I leave the house.
And I LOVE a good bagel. I do. I used to eat bagels constantly to start my day. In college, my friends and I went to College Town Bagels in Ithaca on the way to every class--and on the way back from most of them, too. It’s impossible to compare then and now, as that was two decades and several evolutions of my metabolism ago. In my early twenties when I was barely making enough to afford my shared apartment, a bagel was a perfect meal because it kept me full through a second meal that I usually couldn’t afford (so that I could somehow buy a See by Chloe dress from Loehmann’s instead of lunches that week. They’re called priorities).
But now, in my 40s, I find that starting the day with fist sized bread is...overwhelming to my system. I need to lie down. I’m not up and running around, I’m back in bed big spooning my cat in the dark and staring at my phone. That’s just me. Maybe you can consume carbs and dairy like that early in the day and be unfazed. And maybe you can also only look at your phone for an hour a day and remember the names of all of your friends’ friends. But I cannot.
I still long for a bagel though. It’s not how I start my day. No, I mostly start my day by screaming myself awake, negotiating with Rizz the cat as to who will move first to get out of bed, ingesting enough iced coffee to make me vaguely nauseous, and then opening my laptop and screaming more. But I want a bagel. I think about a fresh everything bagel with scallion cream cheese and a slice of tomato and maybe some cucumber and red onion, and as a treat, some lox or sable or some other luxurious cold fish. But not in the morning.
Here’s the thing: you can eat a bagel...whenever the hell you want. Really! You can! We’re adults and this is New York City (or wherever it is you live), you can get anything at any time. Why can’t I have a bagel for dinner? I can! I did the other night. I had bought, sliced and frozen a few, and on a particularly lazy and uninspired night that I needed to eat dinner, I leaned breakfast and made some scrambled eggs and toasted up half a sesame bagel with a little butter. It was heaven.
Bagels are a celebratory food, at least in Jewish or Northeast Jewish adjacent culture. They’re at bar mitzvahs and shivas. They’re a staple of brunch spreads after a wedding or graduation. When people descend on one house for any reason when it’s light out, you get bagels and some cream cheese at the very least. They’re Friday treats at work instead of raises. But a lot of celebrations happen, well, at night. A lot of chill gatherings of friends happen after dark, after a day of productivity, after eating salads and grain bowls and now you’re ready to actually indulge.
I propose more night schmears. This is really inspired by my friend Natasha Pickowicz’s birthday party like, eight years ago. She gathered a group of seven of us and we took over a long table in the back of Russ & Daughters. We had a full on brunch spread...at night! We had bagels and bialys and cream cheese and a board full of cured fish and soft herbs. There was cream cheese and roe and latkes. And halva sundaes and bottles of sparkling rosé. It was a delight. We weren’t hovering around some weird standing brunch. We weren’t saying no to eating more because we had a meeting or a workout class or literally anything to do after.
We should have more opportunities to eat bagels like this at night. They’re kind of a perfect party food. A big spread with all the accoutrement is nearly unjustifiable with just two or three people. But putting out a variety of bagels and cream cheese, fish and herbs, veggies and roe, that’s for a group. Build your own bagel is a DREAM theme for a nighttime party if I’ve ever heard one. As someone who loves to entertain at home, this is just another fun snack spread for guests! Imagine the possibility of what you could put in small bowls!!!!
Also, for those who love a drink or nine, what goes better with a rich bagel with cream cheese and lox than an ice cold martini? It cuts through the carbs and the dairy. Same for a crisp sparkling wine, or even a freezing cold Sancerre. I’m sorry but a half-assed mimosa doesn’t really go with capers for me. Imagine looking out over a sea of sesame seeds and dill after your edible kicks in or you hit a joint. Bagels are for NIGHT!!!!!!
And it’s not that I don’t want a bagel in the morning. I would love to be able to start my day like that, even if it’s a Sunday and there’s not much on the docket. But this is the kind of meal that puts me to sleep faster than someone turning on CSPAN. So if I am not keen to indulge during the day, I’d like them to be more available at night. We’ve had pizza parties. We’ve seen enough sliders for a lifetime. We’ve dipped a lot of chips. Let’s shake things up and take breakfast after dark.
Bagels aren’t the only breakfast food that should move to dinner. Here are a few other pitches of things I see on a brunch menu but rarely on a dinner one:
Chilaquiles: Why can’t I order these for dinner? The beauty of Mexican food is how so many of the same ingredients can be reconstituted into completely different feeling dishes. I’ll take chilaquiles and a marg at happy hour.
Pancakes and French Toast: If you do these at brunch, throw them on your dinner dessert menu. Good pancakes are better than most regular restaurant desserts anyway. Golden Diner lets you get pancakes all day and they made a perfect shared dessert the last time I was there. And again, I don’t want to start my day with these foods. These are sleep foods. Give them to me before I lay on the couch and close my eyes to the sweet sounds of The Valley.
Quiche: I’d eat a quiche for dinner. Why the hell not????
Similarly, let’s get turkey clubs on breakfast menus. They have a lot of the elements of a breakfast sandwich, or the more brunch-y BLT that people seem fine eating before noon. Swap the eggs for turkey and let me live my life.
And whenever and however you like to eat a bagel, just remember, DO NOT RANK ANDREW CUOMO FOR MAYOR OF NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!
MORE STUFF! MORE STUFF!
My friend Maris Kreizman’s debut book of essays, I Want To Burn This Place Down, comes out Tuesday 7/1 and you can buy her book and see her read and talk on tour! I have read it. It is EXCELLENT!
Franchise month powers on for Ruined and this week we tackle The Final Destination. Don’t forget to buy your live show tickets for 6/29!
Welcome to Talk Town is back with Tito Garza again as he pitches us Coma Airlines.
Come see me perform live next week: Fightin Words at Caveat Wednesday 6/25, The Ping Pong Room at KGB Bar Thursday 6/26.
Okay I’m hosting a brunch tomorrow - my friend is making bagels… I might need to offer martinis after reading this!
My mom often made breakfast food for us for dinner, and we loved it! I still do, and any breakfast food qualifies! Similarly, I think any food you can eat for lunch or dinner is fine for breakfast (hot or cold)!
I can't tell you how many times I've eaten leftover cold spaghetti and meatballs for breakfast, on purpose :D